


For as Long as I Live

by Waitthisisnthistoryy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eruri???, Furlan spelt Farlan, Hange spelt Hanji, Isabel and Farlan mentioned, Just some bi bois being useless bi bois, M/M, One Shot, acwnr spoilers, have some angst, maybe???, post ACWNR, some background Erwin/Mike
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:42:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22605688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waitthisisnthistoryy/pseuds/Waitthisisnthistoryy
Summary: A small character study of Levi post A Choice With No Regrets
Kudos: 8





	For as Long as I Live

**Author's Note:**

> This has a lot of predictable and basic smut cliches, but why else are you clicking on a one shot?

The night of my first expedition I scrubbed myself raw.

  
I remember thinking I could feel the blood on me. Could still feel the sticky heat of it on my hands. I didn’t care that they said it evaporates, I could still feel it. I couldn’t stay like that. I didn’t give a shit if they caught and fucking penalised me, I needed a goddamn shower. I was alone in my barracks, anyway. No one wanted to share with the dirty undergrounder who had just lost everything. The Survey Corps had been depleted by two squads anyway, so there were spare beds going.

I had done a customary wash with a cloth. Everyone wanted to clean after an expedition like that, so supplies were low. We had to make the best we could with a small bar of soap and a bowl of lukewarm water. There was no way I was going to sleep anyway, buried balls deep in insomnia, having seen my two closest friends as corpses, knowing I could have saved them... No way.

  
Creeping through the halls I dared anyone to stop me, report me, anything. It seemed that night everyone was either exhausted or had others to find comfort in, so I made it to the showers with no questions asked. Turning the tap on as hot as I could, I stripped while I waited for the water to heat up. All things considered, the communal areas were kept very clean.

The Survey Corps never ceased to surprise me.

  
I stepped into the stream of water and grabbed some soap I had managed to steal earlier. The water was barely above body temperature, but it had to do.

  
I scraped at my skin. I lost time, I had no concept of it while I scratched and rubbed every inch of my body until my skin was ringing from the assault, the pain still unable to quell the guilt bubbling in my stomach. I could still feel their blood on me, their glassy eyes boring into me. Begging me to explain why I had abandoned them to be killed in the most brutal way possible. How I could let that happen to them.

  
I stayed in the water for longer than intended, not even noticing when it had started to run cold. I snapped back to myself when I heard the door open, fear running through me at being caught in a vulnerable position. Slapping the tap off I grabbed my towel and clothes that I had left on the ground. I yanked my trousers on, wincing as I felt the fabric drag across my wet skin. As I lifted my shirt over my head I heard footsteps and I snapped my body around to face the direction they were in. I pulled the collar past my eyes and I saw him. The cold fucking bastard, Erwin Smith. The son-of-a-bitch who thought he owned me from the moment he set eyes on me.

  
Dragging my shirt down I cringed at the feeling of it suffocating my wet skin. I had never eaten properly, just enough to function. I felt so exposed, the cloth clinging to every rib and hollow, making me look even more the skeleton I was.

  
Then his eyes roamed me. His distant eyes, analysing every inch, cataloging it for later, assessing any weaknesses. I had to fight my instinct to hide. Had to fight to not leap for his throat. I accepted the gaze, stood my ground. His face changed the more he saw, and he looked pained, like I was something to be pitied. I took that look like a knife to the gut, doing everything not to wrap my arms around myself and hide again.

  
After far too long to be considered reasonable his eyes traveled back to mine.

  
“You’ll get used to it.” He said, no emotion detectable. Despite myself I asked, spat really,

  
“Used to what?”

  
He didn’t even flinch at the venom in my voice. He only blinked and after taking a breath continued.

  
“Never feeling clean again. Try not to get caught in the future.” And with that, he turned dismissively on his heel, leaving me to shake with rage, fists balled at my sides.

* * *

Months later still I couldn’t sleep. Isabel and Farlan seemed to be seared into my eyelids. I would go for walks through the base and grounds to try and banish them.

  
By that point I had mapped out most of the halls and worked out which were private sleeping quarters and whose were where. If asked, I would never have admitted I had quickly worked out where Smith’s rooms were. As such, I had taken to wandering close to his rooms when I could not sleep. I can’t even say it was an unconscious choice. I had every intention of being there.

  
I was making my route through Smith’s corridor when I heard the lock on his door click. Knowing I had only seconds to try and be as inconspicuous as possible, I leapt for the closest crevice and stayed still to not draw attention. Living in the underground meant you quickly learnt that one of the best ways to “disappear” wasn't necessarily to disappear entirely, but to not draw the eye. Just as I managed to hide I saw the gargantuan silhouette of Mike Zacharius.

  
The already perpetually scruffy man was in a new form of disarray, the kind that screamed sex.

  
He tilted his head, took one sniff and leisurely turned to where I was hiding. No shame, no anger, just acknowledgement. Almost as if he knew I wouldn’t breathe a word of this to another person. His eyes slipped to the door behind him, like he was debating warning Smith I was there. He shrugged to himself and he was off, probably to the communal showers to clean before heading back to his room. He had been promoted to squad leader when the previous expedition had opened up positions, and as such now enjoyed the privilege of a private room.

  
For some reason, I saw red. I can’t be sure why, I think it was to do with the vendetta I had against Smith since I joined. I was waiting for a reason to fly for him and this was the last straw.

  
I flung myself into Smith’s door and swung it open. I was greeted with the image of an equally rumpled, half-naked asshole and a room that reeked of sex.

“What the fuck are you playing at?” The blank stare on his face, not even surprise, spurred me on. “Is that how you do it? You fuck the loyalty into them?”

Nothing. All he did was get up and tie his trousers, hanging dangerously low at first. He picked up clothes from the ground as he went, throwing them into the basket in the corner of the room as if I wasn't there. He never made eye contact.

  
“That’s fucking pathetic. I mean, shit! I never would have thought you would stoop so low to get that level of dedication from your people.”

  
The rush of adrenaline I got from his head whipping to look at me, the livid expression on his face, was almost euphoric. I finally broke through the mask he always wore. However, this rush was short lived. His eyes lit up and I saw the moment he decided he knew exactly what to say to cut to the core. My veins filled with ice.

“Like you haven’t.”

  
I had to take a second to absorb what he said.

  
“What?” The acid in my voice surprised even me.

  
“Come on, those two you joined with? Maybe not the girl, she was a little young, but that blonde one? Like you didn’t get a good lay out of him.”

  
“How dare you.” My voice was barely above a whisper. No one had talked to me about Isabel and Farlan since they died. No one dared.

  
“Touch a nerve?” Twitching an eyebrow up, he didn’t show any remorse, just satisfaction to have broken me. Again.

  
“How fucking dare you!” Before I knew it I was leaping across the room for his throat, hands nothing more than claws and prepared to tear flesh. The bastard seemed to expect the attack and grabbed my wrists as my nails scraped his nose and cheek, flinching away in response. We fell to the ground with the force of my movement, me throwing punches for his stupid face and him defending with his forearms. With a well timed twist of his hips as I adjusted my weight he threw us over so I was laying under him. Face to the ground, my wrists were pinned beside my head and thighs pinned by his shins, his feet hooking around my knees to keep stability. I snarled and tried to kick free but all it did was make him put more weight on me, leaning in close to rumble in my ear, his breath ghosting my neck.

“You need to learn to control your anger. Attacking a superior officer is a punishable offence.”

  
“Fuck you. I know exactly what you are trying to do,” I hissed back, trying to look at him from the corner of my eye and getting even more pissed off when I saw a smirk growing.

  
“Oh? What is that?”

  
“Fuck me into submitting.”

  
“Will it work?”

  
“Like shit will it.”

  
“That’s a shame,” Erwin started to lean back, not loosening his grip on me. “I can’t help thinking you know your way around another man.”

  
The dread that flooded through me was one of habit. It was never a good thing to be called out on one's own sexual deviance, and underneath another man was the last place you wanted to be while it was happening. He must have felt me tense at the statement but misread it as aggression so he leant in again in an effort to stop me from moving before talking into my ear, his piercing blue eyes boring into me.

  
“I am going to let you go. You will leave my room, return to yours and not breathe a word of this to anyone. If you do, there will be consequences.”

  
“Like what?” I knew it was pointless trying to challenge but I was so angry I needed to say something.

  
“Well, for one, I could have you killed. Those modified criminal records of yours could disappear.” He paused, making sure I understood the gravity of his words. I didn't think he was bluffing. “It would be a shame to lose a soldier with your skills.”

  
I knew not to defy him. I didn’t respond, didn’t move, didn’t stop staring. He knew I understood. Eventually he eased back and let me go and I did not move until he was completely off of me, and when he was, I stood up and made a point not to look at him. As I reached the door and opened it he called for me again.

  
“Fear and violence may have worked for you as a thug, it won’t here.”

  
I slammed the door behind me and stormed down the corridor, resisting the urge to punch the nearest wall.

* * *

It was the evening before our next expedition.

  
I had been assigned to Mike’s squad in the reshuffle and as such I was on the small scouting mission to survey the area we were going to travel through. Bringing updated information back in place of the men we would lose.

  
Old nightmares had started to creep back, turning the bags under my eyes into bruises. My eyes burned when closed, let alone open.

  
I had given up trying to sleep and accepted that I would eventually black out from exhaustion. I was, once again, wandering the base until I couldn't stand anymore. I had given Smith’s hallway a wide berth for a few weeks after seeing Mike leave but had recently returned to it on my nightly wonders.

  
After two laps of my normal route I was making my way through the corridor when I heard a door open. Knowing who it would be I didn’t try to hide. Out came a rumpled Smith in plain clothes, light brown cotton trousers and a white shirt. The bags under his eyes seemed to suggest he found himself in a situation similar, if not the same, as mine.

  
“You should be resting.”

  
The words barely sounded like they could have come from him, croaked out without any genuine fuel behind them. It was the first time since I met him that I had seen even an ounce of humanity come from him. He always seemed so far above those around him, so in control of every situation and so unaffected by what happened to him or those close. It was almost enough to make me rethink everything I had set in my mind of him.

  
Almost.

  
“Can’t.” I wasn’t trying to be petulant, I just didn’t see a point in voicing more than one word to something that was obvious. He gave me a vacant nod in response, his eyes slipping to stare at a point behind my head, lost in thought. He had never shown that level of vulnerability to me before and it was head spinning to witness.

  
“May I join you? I assume you are walking the grounds to wind down.” He made eye contact with me again but the question almost felt as though it was purely out of politeness. He would go for a walk with or without me.

  
“If you want,” I shrugged. He slipped into step beside me, murmuring a small thank you. It wasn’t needed.

  
We didn’t talk as we walked and I knew he was radiating the same tense energy as I was. Neither of us were comfortable around each other and had made an effort to avoid being in the same room, so this was the first time in months even sharing the same air. If it had been months, even weeks earlier I probably would have taken the opportunity to blackmail him, hurt him, kill him by that point I had begun to find a place for myself with the rest of the outcasts that populated the Survey Corps. I had unknowingly grown attached to people around me again. Even I considered Hanji a strange sort of friend, despite their lack of basic hygiene and the near constant loud noises leaving their mouth that rarely resembled a human language.

  
I began to realise that Erwin didn’t just fuck loyalty into his subordinates but also worked to gain it. I had known that the Corps' death toll was higher than any other regiment but I had no idea how high. Before I had joined, missions had an astronomically high death rate, explaining why the Corps had always been so close to being disbanded. The expedition I had taken part in had been the the debut of Smith’s Long Range Scouting formation. The death toll from that expedition, even with the teams lost, had been a drop in the pool compared to past ones. I had been so wrapped up in my vendetta against Smith that I hadn’t noticed those he saved.

  
“It will get easier.” Those were the first words said since we had started to walk together. I almost jumped. Despite his size Smith was miraculously quiet and I had started to let my mind drift from my body in the lull of the slow walk. It took a moment to process what he had said and give it context.

  
“I know.”

  
I had come from the underground. I had done unspeakable things. With each time you become more numb.

  
Kill a man, throw up your guts. Rip someone's nails out, feel that phantom pain for days. Throw a knife into their chest, relive the betrayal on their face for nights.

Eventually it all blurs together.

  
After an hour of memories that needed to be suppressed I realised I was still walking with the man I had once vowed to kill. The ridiculousness of the whole thing hit me and I started to steer the path back to the barracks. I wasn’t tired in the slightest but I needed to shake Smith off; my skin was starting to crawl with guilt remembering what I had been so desperate to do. I had once again been so absorbed with my head that I didn’t realise that Erwin had been gearing up to speak.

  
“I know that I am not going to be able to sleep, and knowing how much you struggle on a normal night, I doubt you will either.” My initial reaction was to question how the hell he knew. The rational part of my mind caught up, the eternal bags, snappy mood and the pacing he probably heard most nights, it made sense. I let the comment slide and he continued talking.

  
“Would you like to come back to my quarters?”

  
“What the actual fuck Smith?” I stopped my walking and swung around to face him. “Really? You think because we had a walk I’ll finally jump on your dick?”

  
Again with the blank fucking face, the one that said he had already planned the next five steps. I opened my mouth to give him more hell when he raised his hand and waited for me to step back. He carried on.

  
“That is not what I meant. I mean, do you want to come to my room for some company? I know it’s tricky to stop your mind racing the night before an expedition. Maybe another person being present will help.”

  
I took a moment to calm down. I was anxious about the next day and I knew I was lashing out at Smith unfairly. I was still surprised by the open and genuine offer. If a man who wanted to kill me was in my company, I would have killed him first, and yet, he was right. I was probably not going to sleep until the early hours at, which time there would be little point. If I had company at least the time would pass faster. A verbal answer felt too much like a win for Smith so I turned back towards the building once again. He followed in silence behind me, letting me lead the way. I went to his rooms and stood outside expectantly for him to unlock his door and let me in, not looking him in the eye. I heard the lock click and shifted my weight to follow him when he spoke. A-fucking-gain.

  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you were dragged into all of this. I’m sorry you lost your friends and I’m sorry you’re stuck in the Corps.”

He turned to me and I finally caved, and made eye contact. This was the second time he had been so vulnerable with me that night and it was no less confusing than the first. My breath caught in my throat, seeing those bluest fucking eyes. He looked almost as lost as I felt.

  
“I’m sorry for what I have done to you, Levi.”

  
He really needed to stop with this honest shit, I had no clue what to do.

  
I tried to push past him into the room with a shrug and a ‘whatever’ but he stopped me by grabbing my bicep. Realising I wasn’t getting away with my usual surly bullshit I turned back and put my hand on top of his, feeling its warmth, staring at them as if I could burn them off with my eyes alone. He wasn’t hurting me, he seemed conscious of trying not to- he desperately wanted forgiveness from me.

  
“It’s…” I looked up at him again, wanting him to know I was also being honest. “It’s alright.” Erwin let out a breath that I didn’t realise he had been holding and loosened his grip so I carried on into his room.

  
That night we talked, jilted at first but slowly we managed to find topics we agreed on, some we debated, we found a way to co-exist. I fell asleep in the chair I had claimed and awoke with a light blanket draped across my shoulders.

  
Slipping out of the room I felt my joints pop and grind from the awkward position I spent the night. I had to get to the showers for one last clean before what could be days of filth.

  
Luckily, nobody saw me in the corridor. I returned to my bunk to get my soaps and towel, giving me more time to avoid human contact. By the time I reached the showers Mike and Erwin were already there shaving in beside each other and sharing a conversation. There was a different energy around us, instead of trying to ignore one another we gave a small nod. Mike’s eyebrows flew up at the gesture, I heard him murmur a question to Erwin and a non-committal reply. As soon as I made it to the next sink to start my routine he leant over to take a deep sniff, slapping him away I told him to stop being such a creepy fucking dog. He just knocked my hand away, smirking knowingly.

  
I had to stop myself from tearing his nose off.

* * *

The weather was better and the titan sightings were less with the improving formation and fewer deaths as a result.

  
The nights spent talking when both of us couldn’t sleep became more frequent with time. I began to understand why so many people flocked to him, were willing to put their lives on the line for him.

  
Watching him rip someone out of the jaws of a titan for the upteenth time, holding back the teeth with his straining arm, blood dripping into his eyes from the gash on his head. The months of talking, watching him pull heroics like this for anyone, no matter how new. The sharp decrease in casualties each expedition.

  
After all of this, I knew I would follow Erwin Smith until the day I die.

**Author's Note:**

> “I don’t understand.  
> I’ve never understood. Even if I believe in my own strength… Even if I believe in the decisions of my trusted friends…  
> In the end… Nobody.  
> But this man, is gazing up at something I can’t even see.  
> Fine.  
> I’ll follow you, Erwin Smith.  
> I’ll never regret this decision… For as long as I live.”  
> A Choice With No Regrets Pt.2
> 
> This is the first thing I have published on here so please feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you think. Constructive criticism is wholeheartedly welcomed : )


End file.
